A Bucket List

A list with things we want to do together. Now and tomorrow. The start was difficult because I found myself staring at me and wondering what do I want for me. Me. Not what it would be alright to want, not what others would want me / expect me to want. What I want. And then I could not stop. And random thoughts came to my head and scared the sh out of me. Despite of that, I wrote them down. Without any fear.

then the fear kicked in. What if's kicked in. My imagination went wild running in places with you holding my hand, doing things together and making plans. then I realized that I'm scared of my mind, of what it could imagine if I would let it run wild. I want you. I can't put it in other words. I just want you in my life. And me in your life.

That's when I hold my breath and stop in front of the reality that is so against my thoughts. Against everything I want. Then I ask myself why let my heart long for you. The answer comes the very next second. Because I can't imagine myself without you anymore. I don't know why. But I see myself with you in everything I do. Despite this f up reality that I don't like. And despite everything that stands between us. And what scares me even more is that I don't mind the fight. I don't mind the effort I know I have to put in for being with you any amount of time that feels like a second anyway. I m not overwhelmed with this pressure in a bad way. Most of the times that is. 99% of the time. The rest of 1% I feel anger toward everything that is against us and I can't change. I am more overwhelmed with the pressure of having to fight with things I hate. And you know what I mean with that. My reality is worse than yours. At least you have a certain solution for your peace. I know you can find a way to have that peace and what you want and me. And I don't mean just me.

In case you are wondering why I said "let my heart long for you"....here is why....we had this conversation a while ago. When I told you that love is a chemical reaction too. Besides being something in your heart, feelings that run wild and fill your body with warmth and shivers and butterflies and daydreams and hope and wants and needs. that happens because your mind accepts the idea of it. And when it wants it, your brain can deny it to the point at which your heart becomes made of ice and nothing can melt it. I believe that because I did it. I denied my feelings and what I wanted. It all went to dust when I saw things and places and people that reminded me how I felt once. And I believe anyone can do it. If they choose to. If they want to. Love doesn't come when you want it to come, but it can go away if you don't cherish it. If you let things make it go away. If you grab on to the dark side of life and the things that make you feel bad and grab on to reasons that are against.

I don't know if this makes any sense to you. Don't get me the wrong way. I love you with everything I am. And I mean every part of me, soul, reason, logic, mind. Everything. My love for you is beyond any reason and beyond anything my mind or heart ever imagined. At some point I stopped dreaming about what I want in the person with whom I would share all my thoughts. this happened a very long time ago, it feels like ages. It was about ten years ago. Everything that happened after that was based on a "as good as it get's" principle. Not that I didn't feel stuff. I did. But I put love and everything that I thought love should feel like and drive me to do on a second place. Or maybe third. Or maybe lower. I don't even know anymore. It doesn't matter in the end, how low was the idea of love. It matters that you made me want it and feel it and live it in the way I dreamed and beyond. that's what matters. I only talk about the past because I am processing my past and why I felt the way I did, and want to find myself and never let myself be destroyed by the things I hate. I don't want to repeat the mistakes I did.

You have no idea how much positive energy you give me. I feel I can do anything sometimes. Just as I did when I decided to let go of the idea of love. I wanted to prove to me that I can live without it and be myself. Didn't realize that I am nothing without love. I can become an ice-cube. Well, not completely because now I have her. And focused all my need for love on her and now she gives me back everything I put inside her soul when she was a newborn and the only one who could hear my sorrows and smile back at me.

So yeah, I 'll show you my list. Even though I can't move beyond my fear of loosing you. I know this is how love should feel. Because love is a flame that needs the right two energies to burn. It's not an object, it has no shape and cannot be trapped inside a container. There is zero guarantee that if you find it it will be yours forever. You gotta fight for keeping it the way you want it. And it has to be a two-way effort. Doesn't work otherwise. I truly believe that. I think you feel the same.

The reason I'll show it to you the exact way I wrote it, without taking anything out is because you want it like that. And because one point on that list is to make you happy.

Ok, so here goes another post. or another chapter start for my book. :))